With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, and knowing that most of you will probably be curled up in a ball sobbing relentlessly into your pillows, I thought it was high time that I unleashed the secrets of getting a girl into gaming.
You may already have a girlfriend, or you may have a terrified teenager shackled to your washing machine in the basement. Either way, here are some handy tips to get the old ball and chain to start enjoying video games.
Don’t Patronize Her
Too many blokes think that the only way they can get their girlfriends into gaming is by introducing them to the Holy Grail of Shite. Things like Fuzion Frenzy, Hannah Montana The Movie (which, contrary to popular belief, is actually a game), and FunTown Mahjong are in the “You Really Just Have No Idea, Do You?” zone. No, smart guy, the ladies aren’t going to tear off their clothes in a fit of sexual catharsis when you pop in Viva Piñata. Trust me, I’ve tried.
Be a man. Or at least try to be one – that’s obviously the reason why you play video games in the first place. Slap in some Modern Warfare 2 or Gears of War and show her how big and muscly your pixelated avatar really is. She should be swivelling your right analogue stick and smashing her X button in no time.
Don’t Be Afraid To Embarrass Yourself
If for some ridiculous reason your female guest isn’t floored by your manly display of awesome, then you may have to move onto other methods. Kicking her to the curb and waiting for another potential gamer chick is always an option, but it may just be too time-consuming – we all know how long you’ve survived on Lara Croft posters and Internet porn.
Debasing yourself is only acceptable when there is a chance of converting a female specimen into an appreciative geek. Why not hold off on that headshot for a second and see if she realizes that you’re standing right behind her? If she doesn’t, feel free to give her a nice melee hit to the back of the head – let her know you’re there.
But don’t kill her! That will only incense the creature. Allowing the lady to take you down will be a massive boost to her confidence, and may even open the door for you to pop in Bayonetta; be careful with this though, as the leather-clad sexbox has been known to incite acts of extreme jealousy.
Let Her Play Taylor Swift On Rock Band
Let’s be honest here, you probably aren’t the best candidate for picking music on Guitar Hero or Rock Band; that grubby Linkin Park shirt isn’t doing you any favours, either. While you’re getting all “slappa da bass” to Korn, your lady friend is probably texting her other, hotter gamer buddy to hook up with some Battlefield: Bad Company 2 action later that night.
Here’s a thought, Lenny Kravitz, why not switch things over to Blondie, No Doubt or some other musical tripe and let the lady have a turn. Just because it’s your guitar peripheral doesn’t me that it’s going to implode at a woman’s touch.
Only Use Vibration-Enabled Controllers
Martin Bigg is many things, and a lady’s man is just one of them. His number one rule for getting women to enjoy video games is to only use controllers that vibrate. Don’t look at me like that, we all know that you’re severely lacking in the bedroom after a 12-hour session of Borderlands – why not let the controller do the work for you?
Tell your lady friend that the only way to play Street Fighter IV is to use the controller as an arcade pad. Place it gently in the… err… crotchal region, max out the vibration settings, and lay down some serious carnage on her characters.
Just make sure that she doesn’t steal the controller when she’s doing your laundry.
If All Else Fails, Use The Chair
A last resort to most, but may be used when the urge to play co-op rises. The Chair allows you to keep the female firmly planted to the seat, while at the same time allowing for freedom of eye and finger movement. Video game time will be hassle-free, and allow you peace of mind knowing that you are spending quality time with your better half.