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With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, and knowing that most of you will probably be curled up in a ball sobbing relentlessly into your pillows, I thought it was high time that I unleashed the secrets of getting a girl into gaming.

You may already have a girlfriend, or you may have a terrified teenager shackled to your washing machine in the basement. Either way, here are some handy tips to get the old ball and chain to start enjoying video games.

Don’t Patronize Her

Too many blokes think that the only way they can get their girlfriends into gaming is by introducing them to the Holy Grail of Shite. Things like Fuzion Frenzy, Hannah Montana The Movie (which, contrary to popular belief, is actually a game), and FunTown Mahjong are in the “You Really Just Have No Idea, Do You?” zone. No, smart guy, the ladies aren’t going to tear off their clothes in a fit of sexual catharsis when you pop in Viva Piñata. Trust me, I’ve tried.

Be a man. Or at least try to be one – that’s obviously the reason why you play video games in the first place. Slap in some Modern Warfare 2 or Gears of War and show her how big and muscly your pixelated avatar really is. She should be swivelling your right analogue stick and smashing her X button in no time.

Don’t Be Afraid To Embarrass Yourself

If for some ridiculous reason your female guest isn’t floored by your manly display of awesome, then you may have to move onto other methods. Kicking her to the curb and waiting for another potential gamer chick is always an option, but it may just be too time-consuming – we all know how long you’ve survived on Lara Croft posters and Internet porn.

Debasing yourself is only acceptable when there is a chance of converting a female specimen into an appreciative geek. Why not hold off on that headshot for a second and see if she realizes that you’re standing right behind her? If she doesn’t, feel free to give her a nice melee hit to the back of the head – let her know you’re there.

But don’t kill her! That will only incense the creature. Allowing the lady to take you down will be a massive boost to her confidence, and may even open the door for you to pop in Bayonetta; be careful with this though, as the leather-clad sexbox has been known to incite acts of extreme jealousy.

Let Her Play Taylor Swift On Rock Band

Let’s be honest here, you probably aren’t the best candidate for picking music on Guitar Hero or Rock Band; that grubby Linkin Park shirt isn’t doing you any favours, either. While you’re getting all “slappa da bass” to Korn, your lady friend is probably texting her other, hotter gamer buddy to hook up with some Battlefield: Bad Company 2 action later that night.

Here’s a thought, Lenny Kravitz, why not switch things over to Blondie, No Doubt or some other musical tripe and let the lady have a turn. Just because it’s your guitar peripheral doesn’t me that it’s going to implode at a woman’s touch.

Only Use Vibration-Enabled Controllers

Martin Bigg is many things, and a lady’s man is just one of them. His number one rule for getting women to enjoy video games is to only use controllers that vibrate. Don’t look at me like that, we all know that you’re severely lacking in the bedroom after a 12-hour session of Borderlands – why not let the controller do the work for you?

Tell your lady friend that the only way to play Street Fighter IV is to use the controller as an arcade pad. Place it gently in the… err… crotchal region, max out the vibration settings, and lay down some serious carnage on her characters.

Just make sure that she doesn’t steal the controller when she’s doing your laundry.

If All Else Fails, Use The Chair

A last resort to most, but may be used when the urge to play co-op rises. The Chair allows you to keep the female firmly planted to the seat, while at the same time allowing for freedom of eye and finger movement. Video game time will be hassle-free, and allow you peace of mind knowing that you are spending quality time with your better half.

  1. Haha great article! Thanks for ‘unleashing’ these secrets, lol.

    On a more serious note, for any dudes with non-gamer girlfriends, are there any games you’ve actually made them play with any success? So far, the only games I’ve got my girlfriend really into are the Ace Attorney games. No need for finger dexterity = win.

    • avatar SPENCE!

      I Got my woman into gaming with – this one may make a few jaws drop – “Def Jam Fight for New York”. A fun, simple, story driven fighter with a generous amount of customization options. The hook was the chance to play dress up with your character. World of Warcraft followed soon after. Little bit of dress up. Easy controls for anyone who is the least bit computer savvy, and an extended community of gamers (one dude she quested with is now a Facebook friend). The game that ultimately sealed the deal was Mass Effect. Once again, customization and a good story. Those are elements I feel appeal most to non gamers in general. When that doesn’t work games like Boomblox and WiiSports If you have access work well for short attention spans.

  2. Haha you actually included my suggestions :D Great work, Simon.

  3. The most important thing is to be supportive without patronizing her. Also, choose a game you can play cooperatively rather than competitively.

  4. avatar Devout Atheist

    Great suggestions! Now I just need to drag those teenagers back to my basement…

  5. Talking non stop about how hot Miranda and her real-life counterpart Yvonne Strahovski are in Mass Effect 2 is also a bad way to get your girl to appreciate gaming. Trust me…

  6. avatar Diplomat Jess

    AHAHAHAHA, my ovaries burst from the laughter!

    My only suggestion that could possibly be added to this momentous list is let her play ME2 or DragonAge: Origins and suggest she try to sleep with as many characters as possible. I believe Matt appreciates that I really only want to sleep with the hot chicks in DA:O. Maybe.

    I mean, OMG COOKING MAMA 2 IS OUT, I WANNA PRETEND TO COOK!

  7. #1 way to get your girlfriend into video games …

    LET HER WIN! ;-)

  8. Martin’s advice is golden. That’s how I get all the ladies over to my place.

  9. @Jamie — my wife isn’t a gamer, but I’ve found games that she likes to play. She likes Guitar Hero and Rock Band, those were a good starter. She’s also fond of Loco Roco and Patapon on the PSP. She’s got a dark sense of humor, so Overlord 2 and GTA IV (no missions, just running people over) she’ll indulge in from time to time.

    Like you mentioned, the simpler the control scheme, the better to start. Us enthusiasts tend to forget we’ve had our whole lives to get used to the complex control schemes out there.

    Wifey’s not a gamer, but she does play games. And that’s more than enough for me! :D

  10. I own this indie game that I think someone gave me a code for. It’s called Remote Masseuse. You have and need only one guess to figure out what I use it for.

    My crotch will never be the same.

    Wait, what?

  11. I just got mine to start writing game reviews :P

  12. Girls always want to eat their mics when they’re into gaming.

  13. avatar Chris Jones

    While the article is decently written of course, the content and the idea of it is terrible and has been over written.

  14. You guys suck. That is all.

    • avatar Tiara

      :Wonderful goods from you, man. I have understand your stuff pirevous to and you are just extremely magnificent. I actually like what you’ve acquired here, certainly like what you’re stating and the way in which you say it. You make it enjoyable and you still care for to keep it sensible. I cant wait to read much more from you. This is really a great web site.

  15. This was hilarious, Simon. My girlfriend only likes playing with balls! That’s right, she’s got a serious addiction to Luxor2.

  16. If she is better than you at any of your games it is better to just stop playing it. Trust me. It will help your ego.

  17. avatar Melissa-tbo

    let her win? wtf. that would only piss me off more.

  18. avatar DemonicMember

    my gf really enjoys little big planet but that is about it

  19. avatar Fuzia

    Tried making my GF play Flower… she got pretty pissed at it.

    I was pretty speechless. I mean, it’s near the most relaxing thing on earth!
    … That said, I ain’t letting her try Tekken 6 o.o

  20. avatar SHAFTUCANTHANDL

    I know why that girl in the pick is pissed… she is playing a driving game with a flight stick… girls are bad enough at driving, I can’t imagine what would happen if my girls car had a stick instead of a wheel…

    My girl is a grade A hottie, and I have tried to make her play a few games… she’s just doesn’t seem to get into it (the vibrating controller doesn’t make her want to play video games!!!)…

    I’m going to give Braid a shot… she told me that she liked Mario Brothers when she was little… any other game suggestions??…

    The other question remains — if I am actually successful in converting the innocent, will I regret it??… hey, Get off my PS3 and get on my PS-1

  21. Great article, absolutely hilarious!

    The only game my girlfriend enjoys at length is, you may have guessed it, Tetris. I’ve been thinking about trying some more puzzle games, like Dr. Mario or Bejeweled, because I know a lot of people like that genre, but she seems only interested in playing the one game. Hell, she sure as hell kicks my tail at it.

  22. avatar warrka

    so sexist but so funny luckily i dont have to get my girlfriend into games she is already into em and hot

  23. avatar Smokestak

    My girlfriend is a law student and I’m an audio designer. We differ greatly in our hobbies and pastimes. There are times when were laying in bed watching Dexter or Lost, and she’ll say, “you should play that one game where you jump from roof to roof.” Assassins Creed 2. She watched me play it from the beginning and is very interested in the story and thoroughly enjoys watching me punch the crap out of some random harlet or pickpocketing an unsuspecting bystander. Just tell her how unbelievable the game looks and its almost like watching a movie. And let her play it!!! It’s easy to get the hang of it and satisfying to jump around like a crackhead Spiderman.

    • avatar Cidinha

      by Annaji. Oh ! What a great revelation of the tdtriaional Bhartiya way of Life. “Perfect behavior, pure wisdom, untainted life, Sacrifice….” Do we agree with Anna really?Corruption rests in Mind of people and spreads in Rules, Finance, Society, System and overall. Communalism is another form of corrupted mind-set. We have to uproot this corruption from our mind from everybody. A common man to politician. From a businessman to a home tutor. We have to take an oath to save our country from corruption. Only bringing the stashed money from Swiss Bank will end the corruption? No. Enactment of the Jan Lokpal Bill will end up corruptions? No. But, all these are the certain powerful tools to set strong machinery against Corruption. But unless and until the Human resources are free from corruption, nothing shall be happened.Thinking envious to the neighbors will make us corrupt, not discharging the stipulated responsibilities in time makes a vicious circle of corruption and bribes, debauchery in life tends a corrupted life, the sprawling subversiveness survives in corruption, Political ambitions without the prosperity of the people makes us completely “Corrupted” and my corruption and your corruption made this Nation, easy to say as “Corrupted”. Yes, this is the time to say no to “Corruption”. Anna started to set a “Corruption” free India. We have to follow it hermetically.Certainly the most significant feature of this Anti-Corruption Movement is to bring the mass from all strata of life, all beliefs, all rights group and different organisations across the country even touches the hearts of millions of Indians dwell out side India. The whole country saw the fervor of the growing sentiment in favor of Nationalism and against the political corrupts, bankrupt bureaucrats and the media moles in the system. And after all, the reluctant and repulsive Govt crowned with corruptions bent to the protesting populace demanding a strong law enforcement against Corruption with the direct representation o the Republic of India. Now such a necessary law is possible. That may be a nightmare of the corrupted politicians, bureaucrats, media moles, NGOists. But we have to draw the dream lines of the Corruption Free India for which millions of youngsters and the youths marched these days with the older generations even.Yes, only Anna can do this. Perhaps, He is the uncrowned King of India. All responded him to join the cause. The Bharat Swabhiman Trust, Art of Living, ABVP, RSS all joined with another thousands for this great cause. We saw Swami Ramdev and Ram Madhav in a frame. We saw Medha Patker and Anupam Kher side by side. The Buddhist monks and the Jain Munis were on the stage, at the same time Farah Khan could not resist her to reach Jantar Mantar, keeping aside her busy schedule of Bollywood. Hindus worshiped and offered ‘aahuti’ in Mass Yanga (fire rituals) in the street, while Muslims and Christians prayed for the success of Anna’s fast at Jantar Mantar. The whole India were with Anna these days and must remain with him. The feelings are My India, My Bharat – against inconsistency of the system so far, against big beefed ‘bhastrachar’ (corruption) in India. Anna surfaced the potential Oneness of India. Ekatma Bharat. And not detracting and rejecting any thing for the good of this Republic, Anna solicited the strength from Vivekananda to Gandhi, Laxmibai to Bhagat Singh-Chandrasekhar Azad, from Dayananda to Rammonhar Lohia. Anna symbolized him as a modern saint of India with a tdtriaional vision and values. Anna’s scientific approach for the rural reconstruction in Ralegan Siddhi with preserving all the Indian values and ethics may serve as a role model in every aspirant rural corners of India too. Now a modern India can stand up with its own identity along with rationality and modernity.I am still in the rhythms of little school girls who were shouting very enthusiastically in the street rally after Anna broke his fast in the fifth day – ‘Ek do tin char, dur karenge bhastrachar’ , ‘hamara neta kaisa ho, Anna Hazare Jaisa Ho’…. I was also clapping and shouting in the same way.Bande Mataram, Bharat Mata ki Jai. Jai Hind.

  24. lol, this is very good, but misses out the few girls like me who our already into gaming and would much rather watch her boyfriend play on something like the old oddworld games and gears of war, or just play them such as res evil 5 on valentines day XD much better than watching a crappy movie about an inevitable love story with a happy ending, why watch that when you could watch your bf save mudokens or chainsaw the locust, much better plot line also XD
    yes I am aware I am strange for a girl but eh this gaming review is true for 99% of girls XD

  25. @mistressiou

    There are very few games better than the first two Oddworld releases. Abe FTW!

  26. Hell yeah Abe FTW! I also like strangers wrath though I think that;s a good game but yeah you have to love abe, watched my bro play when I was young now I watch my boyfriend play it, and he gets annoyed when I tell him how to play it when he’s doing bits wrong and when I tell him what to do I’m right XD

  27. Another 2D Abe game would make an awesome download for Xbox Live or PSN!

  28. avatar becky

    im a girl, none of this would work on me

  29. You got told Simon. You suck with the ladies.

  30. Sounds like becky needs a good few weeks in The Chair.

  31. There is absolutely nothing wrong with Fusion Frenzy.

  32. avatar dewd

    Was this suppose to be funny… Sadly another filler fan service article, makes me respect this site even less. Why not just stick to game reviews, leave the comedy to the professionals.

    • avatar Rahul

      :It was something of great exemceitnt discovering your site this morning. I came up here today hoping to get something new. And I was not disappointed. Your ideas upon new strategies on this topic were enlightening and a fantastic help to me. Thank you for making time to write out these things plus for sharing your opinions.

  33. Best advice I can give any gamer having trouble getting girls is NOT to EVER talk about video games to a girl you meet. Don’t have anything else to talk about? then you need a productive hobby

  34. avatar Tomfeabe

    Hello there, Happy Valentine’s Day!

    • avatar Antonio

      Mr kantha singh. hii. this words which u r siynag I bet someday in future, u will regret for these words and u wil feel guilty, bcoz this programme Sh. Hazare is doing, not for himself,, just for common people like me, like u and like other people of India and for our upcoming generation If u cant help someone, u have no right to ridicule someone. First change ur self and then talk about others.. Understand.

  35. avatar Torguish

    Haha, awesome =D
    I don’t get why people get all pissed about this article. Some people find it entertaining (especially the chair part). I espacially laughed at the ”becky needs a few weeks in the chair” comment. :D

    Especially dewd. First of all, love yer avatar. Big fan on the DMC series. watched the anime series and played em all. did all the secret missions etc. But dude, cmon. If you don’t find this entertaining or you find it insulting, what are you doing posting these useless and rather depressing comments?

    My own GF is not that much of a player, she once played farmville while i murdered and poisoned people in Assassins Creed 2. The was totally hooked to the story of Assassins Creed, since, furthermost, is the best i’ve ever seen so far. With the conspiracies and pieces of eden etc.. she was like ”Imagine if that was true…” When she started to play it.. that had some umm.. rather.. bad negatives. Altho i laughed since she is a really nice person and seeing her stab 2 people in the face, sure made ME laugh. :P

    Well, cool article. Somewhat useful and pretty entertaining/funny. :D Nice work :D

  36. avatar Torguish

    Sorry bout them typos. Didn’t bother to check out them, still getting used to the new keyboard. :D

  37. And some of us ladies are born and bred gamers. :P

  38. avatar Little Edie

    Play games with more than one token female character, preferably one who doesn’t look like Anna Nicole Smith (RIP).

  39. avatar little edie

    that game is so fun but boring you cant even logon i think boring

  40. avatar becky

    that game suck what a bich it is

    • avatar Ale

      Let us never forget that gmnnreoevt is ourselves and not an alien power over us. The ultimate rulers of our democracy are not a primeminister and congressmen and gmnnreoevt officials, but the voters of this country.Democracy cannot succeed unless those who express? their choice are prepared to? choose wisely . The real safeguard of democracy, therefore, is education.

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