Typically during the holiday season, people are scrambling around like busy little ants, trying to buy presents for their family and friends. If any of these individuals have ended up on your naughty list, it can be difficult to decide what to get them. It’s an unfortunate reality that sometimes you have to buy presents for the people you hate, even if you don’t want to. Those of you who have big families understand this perfectly.
Well this year, Gamer Limit has decided to help you empty your wallet by providing a list of gifts for those hated gamers in your life. Givers beware, you should only give these games and gadgets to those who you despise most. To gift them to someone you actually like would be a cruel act, for these are the worst of the worst the video game industry has to offer in 2009.
Multiple members of the Gamer Limit staff got together to help create this list. Their hatred for these despicable items literally drips from the page as they describe why these games and gadgets are so bad. Rest assured, somewhere in this guide is a gift that’s perfect for the gamer in your life you hate most.
We all hope you enjoy reading it, and Happy Holidays!
Gift Giver: Shawn Evans
If you have a lot of money and really want to punish someone you hate, buy them a PSPgo. Now you might be thinking that this seems like a pretty awesome gift. Why would you ever want to waste $250 on someone you don’t even like?
Well just watch the disgusted look on their faces as they attempt to buy and download games for this bad boy, and the joy will begin to pour into your heart. Their frustration will immediately kick in as they realize only 20% of the total titles are available for download, and all of them are extremely overpriced. Thanks Sony, for creating one of the most expensive lumps of coal available this holiday season.
Darkest of Days
Gift Giver: Shawn Evans
Most of the time you would prefer to give someone you hate a nice kick in the balls for Christmas, but why do that when Darkest of Days essentially provides the same gut wrenching experience. This single game is the reason why FPSs never take place during World War I or The American Civil War.
There’s just nothing worse than being attacked by ten Confederate soldiers when all you have is a rock to hide behind and a single shot musket that takes between five and eight seconds to reload. Throw in a completely ludicrous story plus decade old graphics and you have one of the worst games of the year. Merry Christmas!
Gift Giver: Simon Jones
There’s only one gift this Christmas for the friend who has been whooping your gaming ass all year long: Section 8. This polished turd fell right into my lap, and I simply couldn’t wait to flush the proverbial crapper.
As soon as he or she unwraps your generous present they may eye you with a look of uncertainty. If this happens, explain to them that PC Game UK gave the title an 8.5. “An 8.5?” they will gasp. “Why, that’s not half bad!” Of course, it goes without saying that you should avoid mentioning the fact that it is complete and utter tripe.
Gift Giver: Curtis Takaichi
Nothing says I hate you more than getting your foe a virtual girlfriend. You can play with her, caress her body, create an emotional bond, and dare I say, you can even love her. But the fact of the matter still remains, she’s virtual and she’s been programmed to respond positively to whatever your commands may be.
What makes this game such a terrible gift idea is that if the person spends more than a few minutes playing it, they just look like a creeper. And let me tell you, no real girl wants to be with a creeper. So go ahead friends, get that not so special someone the worst holiday gift of the year, Real Kanojo. He may even like it, which would be the sad part.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Gift Giver: James Pinnell
When it comes to hateful gift giving, are you looking for a slice of evil entertainment? Slip G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra into the stocking of your victim, then sit back, relax, and enjoy the forthcoming carnage. Marvel, as your nemesis becomes slowly frustrated with the awful controls and continuously rolls into enemy fire.
Withhold your inner glee, as your enemy cries out in anguish after yet another cheap death by his robot opponent. Let forth a slight giggle, when the camera blocks the view and the AI friendly cannot figure out how to navigate past some sandbags. It truly is fun for the whole family, if they aren’t the ones being subjected to it.
Gift Giver: Paul Clark
My worst game of the year may fall squarely on the good-looking hats of Damnation, but I’m not sure I can bring myself to write about it again without assuming the fetal position. So instead, I present to you my second worst game of the year: The Saboteur.
Maybe what hurt so much about this game was that it looked so good that you know some serious work went into it. Yet despite the work, despite the marketing, despite Tom French’s ludicrously cool hair, the game falls somewhat flat. It stands as an exercise of clichés…Well, a stylish exercise of clichés, I’ll give it that much at least.
Black Sigil: Blade of the Exiled
Gift Giver: Jamie Obeso
If your arch-nemesis is a fan of RPGs – particularly, the old-school variety – then it would be “remiss” of you not to buy them Black Sigil: Blade of the Exiled for Nintendo DS. Upon receiving their gift, tell your nemesis, “It’s basically Final Fantasy VI meets Chrono Trigger!”
Neglect to tell them about the absurdly high random-battle rate; the long and boring battles; the terrible storyline; and the uncountable number of bugs which can freeze the game, or even force the player to start over. And remember, reader: don’t be sad if the object of your animosity enjoys the game; instead, take solace in the fact that they happily played a piece of crap, and that your taste is way better than theirs.
Gift Giver: Andrew Kauz
Here’s the thing about young players–they tend to like things that suck. You may have the worst of intentions when you toss Dream Dance and Cheer at your least favorite niece, yet you risk providing a game that she might actually enjoy. As they say, even the best laid plans can go astray.
So for those people, there’s Demon’s Souls: a game that promises to hate your young nemesis just as much as you do. When you hear the screams of terror and frustration ring out through the house, you’ll know that your gift was a success.
Tony Hawk’s Ride
Gift Giver: Sean Carey
For gamers you hate, why have Santa leave them a lump of coal when you could leave them a lump of plastic instead? Tony Hawk’s Ride is the ultimate revenge gift. Combining an aging franchise with an awkward control scheme and a peripheral that requires Jazzercise experience to operate, Ride is the state of the art in frustration-inducing technology.
Ride is sure to enrage the gamer you hate as much as Tony Hawk was by the reception of his game. With any luck, your nemesis will slip and hurt themselves on the coffee table trying to pull off an ollie. Throw in a Hot Topic T-shirt as a stocking stuffer for maximum irony.
Rainbow Islands: Towering Adventure!
Gift Giver: Nick Simberg
The XBLA “update” Rainbow Islands: Towering Adventure! would be the perfect present for someone you hate. It will give your worst enemy diabetes with its sick sweetness, and then the flamboyant rainbow barrage will give them the urge to give lap dances to other men while wearing a Mario hat.
They will be tasked with climbing a tower to save a fairy, and then, when they reach their goal, they will be told that their princess is in another castle. The protagonists can shoot rainbows from their crotches. All I can shoot from my crotch is urine, but if I gave my enemy their choice of Christmas gift between my urine on their face or Rainbow Islands, the urine would be unanimously voted more humane.