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Disclaimer: This post was created by a multicultural team with diverse religious beliefs and backgrounds. Also, please don’t kill people. It’s not such a nice thing to do around the holidays. Written with input from the lovely Sean Patrick Carey.

After playing through Assassin’s Creed II and mastering all of Ezio’s malevolent talents, you’re ready to strap on a set of hidden blades for yourself and camp out in some hay. The world is an oyster, and all you want to do is stab it in the face.

Still thy blade, assassin, for this world is not meant for your particular talents. In a modern era of security cameras and prison bitches, it’s in your best interests to limit how you use your particular skill set. But that doesn’t mean that all you have learned is useless. On the contrary, you can find many useful applications of your talents. With a little creativity and a couple of hidden blades, you’ll be able to enrich your own life while keeping the body count relatively low. Read on to find just a few of the many applications of the hidden blade in daily life.

Post office line

The post office is a terrible place during the holidays: lines seem to stretch on forever and remain in perpetual stagnation. If only there were a way to thin out the ranks a bit.

Well, those packed crowds are a perfect place to try out your hidden blade assassinations! Does the person above you have just one too many packages to mail to Guam? Speed up the process by slowing down his heart rate—permanently.

As an added bonus, no one will question you if you carry a large, body-shaped box out of the post office. Just don’t thin out the crowd too much, or else you might become the very person that you set out to stop.

Hidden-Pizza-Party

Attendees at any pizza party invariably encounter the same problem: a single slice remains, yet there are multiple hungry people hoping to claim it. Only one claim can prevail.

Why not tip the odds in your favor with a dramatic extension of your hidden blades? This will go a long way toward making your claim the most legitimate amongst the party goers.

Prefer to take a less threatening approach? Use your hidden blade to cut up the final slice into fair segments and prepare to turn in your Man Card.

Cooking Ezio

Let’s face it: no one wants to be the meat carver during the holidays. You’re the beck and call of every hungry person in attendance, and you’re all but guaranteed to eat last.

But you can spice up the cutting with a couple of hidden blades. Sure, they might work better for stabbing, but you’ll relish the extra challenge of slicing up meat that you don’t immediately have to stash in a hiding place afterward.

But, please, remember to sterilize your blades first. No one needs to find out in the emergency room that you’ve given them a surprise Christmas present.

Car lot

Locked yourself out of your car? No problem! Locked yourself out of someone else’s car? No problem! With the hidden blade, you always have a way into any vehicle that you want.

In fact, the hidden blade is the perfect automotive tool, useful even in the event that you’re trapped in your seat belt and suddenly find yourself without fingers. A little stab into a gas tank or a nice long scratch will become your preferred choice for passive aggression.

Ezio Community Service

Oops! You weren’t quite careful enough with your automotive sabotage, and now you’ve been sentenced to 80 hours of community service. There’s a lot of trash along the highways, and it’s not going to pick itself up.

What better use for the rapid stabbing action of the hidden blade than picking up trash? Just affix the Litter Stabber attachment and become the star of rubbish removal. It may not help you shorten your sentence, but you’ll look like a badass in your orange vest.

Opening presents

When you’re a child, unwrapping a present is an added joy of the holidays – not only do you get presents, but you get to be more destructive than any other day of the year. But as an adult, removing that messy paper is just another barrier between you and that Sex and the City box set.

The hidden blade can take the effort out of unwrapping. With a simple flick of the wrist, you’ll have that evil paper in tatters before you know it.

Just don’t use it on a box that has air holes in it. Trust me, Mittens is not a templar.

Bris

Outside of horrible comedy movies, the tradition of the bris is rather boring. I mean, aside from hiring a clown to perform the circumcision (which is a terrible idea), how do you spice up such a stale tradition?

With the hidden blades, of course.

Become the world’s most respected rabbi. Brises will never be the same after your patented double circumcision. For a real challenge, try a double inverted circumcision with a half tuck and finish it all off with a pirouette.

mullet kill

Flesh isn’t the only biotic matter that your hidden blades can be used to slice through. Indeed, you’ll find yourself in much better shape both legally and financially if you instead use your secret steel to cut hair.

Go Edward Hiddenbladeshands style and get that incredible barber job that you’ve always wanted. Not only will your impressive agility make simple trims a breeze, but you’ll be a master of the very, very close shave. Alternatively, you could start a new “involuntary makeover” phenomenon and become a crusader for the utter eradication of the mullet. It’s a dirty job in the back, but someone has to do it.

You may want to check your city’s laws before embarking on a spree of involuntary makeovers. After all, if Marion, Ohio can say that it’s illegal to eat a donut while walking backwards, then anything is possible.

So, new wielder of the hidden blades, I hope you have found plenty of new uses of your equipment here. Please, feel free to share some of your own uses in the comments, because, let’s be honest: when it comes to retractable stabbing devices, the possibilities are truly endless. Also, did you find all of the Ezios?

  1. I love the subtle homage to Ubisoft’s “various faiths” disclaimer. Nice work!

  2. Awesome article, Andrew! I lol’d at all the Ezios in your images :D

    • avatar Valery

      Any news on the Dateline pervert show, DA who shot hilmsef?Hey I don’t like perv’s, but I just read the article about what happened in Texas. This might be old news to most of you but it’s news to me. What a shame, has anybody heard any news about the lawsuit, or status of the show! ? What are your thoughts on what happened, and what these tv show guys are doing?

  3. This is too good. I laughed my ass off at how you have Ezio in like every picture. I would kill – perhaps with hidden blades – to see a bris done in the fashion you described. Good stuff!

  4. If only I could conceal blades that extend from the wrists…

  5. avatar T-Bone

    haha this is hilarious. inverted circumcision…i laughed my ass off noticing ezio in all the pictures thats great.

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