All men have a calling in life. Some choose to keep Mother Nature in her place lumberjack style, while others take up the fine art of crocodile wrestling. At a young age, my prematurely descended testicles decided my fate for me – and now my life revolves around giving pleasure where pleasure is due. However, not every man has the goods to be like me. In fact, very few have earned the most important tokens of manliness – chiseled abs, rock hard pecks, and overwhelming bravado.
So, it’s my duty as the manliest of all men to drop some knowledge on every one of you joystick rubbing, cosplay dressing dorks – and that’s exactly what Gamer Limit brought me on to do. My man-vice is going to be the best thing that’s ever happened to this website, and its readers.
I thought I’d begin by taking a break out of my busy life of driving fast cars and having sex with beautiful women to choose an apprentice of sorts – some lucky chump on whom I would bestow my knowledge and experience in the field of manliness. During my daily rounds on craigslist.com I came across this embodiment of hopelessness. I’d say he fits the bill quite nicely.
Honestly, I had to take a shower after I read this. Let me break down what’s wrong with this catastrophe.
- “I don’t want to brag, but I am without a doubt the best paladin tank on Madoran.”
The only “Tank” Brock Johnson knows can bench 350. Also, WTF is a Madoran?
- “…I distribute justice, manage recruiting, schedule assaults on the horde (For the Alliance!!!), and plan all raids.”
Brock Johnson distributes luv, manages broads, and schedules long nights with beautiful women. Furthermore, Brock Johnson allies with no one.
- “…I’m on a burning crusade to accomplish my first with a lucky Azn lady.”
Brock Johnson’s burning crusade resulted in emergency medical attention and he had to ride the pine for 3-4 weeks.
- “…I have to assist them in day to day living by taking out the trash and doing the dishes.”
Brock Johnson doesn’t have a problem taking out the trash, but he does not do dishes.
- “…I’m working on writing lore for Blizzard Entertainment and I’m sure my fan-fiction will get me in.”
The only lore worth writing is Brock Johnson’s autobiography.
- “I’m looking for…Azns…kinda like the girl from Kill Bill – the one that was azn and wielded the sweet deadly yo-yo morning star. I would also be interested in any girl that looks, or sounds, like an azn…or Lucy Liu.”
Correct. Azn’s are super hot.
It is my duty, as Gamer Limit’s new relationship expert, to pass along my natural talent to this lucky bastard. But, to make this more fun for me, and give you bored motherf****** something to do, I’ve decided to let you help.
My first plan is to manify this ad and get this loser networked. So, whatever stupid ideas you wanna share – I more than likely won’t use any of them – get them in that comment box so I can have my broads read them to me. And, don’t stop there. I have a job to do and I know that my avid reader base has some stimulating questions they’d like to share with the master. So, feel free to ask me whatever you want, either via the comments section, or at my e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org.