Lately I’ve been suffering from an unhealthy obsession with Starcraft 2. The affliction came to a head a few weeks ago when I wrote an article listing the 20 things I’d do for a Starcraft 2 beta key. I held no punches – I offered to give up my firstborn child, finish development of Duke Nuke’m Forever, and even divide by zero. A few days later, Blizzard Entertainment attempted to call my bluff by e-mailing the following taunt:
“When we were checking out your site, we noticed one of your writers, Josh Quinnet, posted about the 20 things he would do for a beta key.
So, if you would like to give him a key, we would like photographic evidence of the following:
Josh eating a grapefruit covered with Jif peanut butter while watching Flavor of Love with his StarCraft II tattoo showing [drawn of course...]. Both seasons would be preferred, but I guess we could settle with season 1. And please let him know that pie is indeed better than cake.”
Well, Blizzard. Challenge accepted.
1. The Pledge
I’ll admit, it wasn’t easy. As stated in my 20 Things article, I don’t even like grapefruit, and Jif is like poison to me. Also, two seasons of Flavor of Love? It was clear that both my health and my sanity would be in jeopardy, but I’m not one to back down from a challenge. Note the container – that’s 28 ounces of extra crunchy. I’m not screwing around.
2. The Turn
This is the point where I started having second thoughts. Have you ever tried to spread crunchy peanut butter on citrus fruit? Its not easy – nor is it appetizing. Flava Flav was already making me nauseous – this gruesome sight nearly pushed me over the edge. I decided to take a twenty minute break and allow Dustin Browder’s soothing voice to relax me via Battle Report #3. Dustin, if you’re reading this – you are my force field.
3. The Prestige
The battle report reminded me what I was fighting for. I turned the volume up on Flav, gave my best Peter Moore pose, and took a massive chunk out my disgusting adversary. I won’t go into detail regarding the horrid combination of tastes and textures that overcame my senses but I will tell you this: It was not delicious, and it would later do terrible, terrible damage to my digestive tract.
There you have it, Blizzard. Me, eating a peanut butter covered grapefruit whilst watching Flavor of Love. The Starcraft tattoo is clearly a quick Photoshop job, but I believe it’s within the confines of our agreement. I’ve held my end of the bargain – now how about that beta?
Oh, and cake is much better than pie.