Dearest Blizzard – I have a problem. You see, I’ve developed an unhealthy addiction to Starcraft 2 – never mind the fact that it’s yet to be released – I can’t be bothered to consider such minutia. I’m much too busy re-watching Battle reports, and then absorbing, digesting, and analyzing the excreted remains of every morsel of information you toss my way.
I’ve managed to maintain my composure since you announced it in 2007 – but the tension is building, and I’m not sure how much longer I can last. Rather than deprive me the object of my desire and risk various unwanted effects, I’d like to propose a compromise. If you agree to provide me with a Beta Key to Starcraft 2, I will happily conform to any of the following:
1. Singlehandedly finish development on Duke Nuke’m Forever.
It’s was probably going to be released this year anyway.
2. Eat a grapefruit.
I don’t even like grapefruit.
3. Shoot myself in the foot feet.
Do you know how many feet I need to play Starcraft 2? Zero. That’s how many.
4. Donate my firstborn child.
5. Donate my second-born child.
It’s easier than explaining to him what happened to his brother.
6. Watch Flavor of Love seasons 1 and 2 (Again).
So long as you promise not to ask why I watched them the first time around.
7. Promise to never zergling rush, ever.
Never mind. What would be the point?
8. Switch from Skippy to Jiff.
This is like switching from oxygen to mustard gas for me, so I hope you appreciate its value. “Choosy moms” my ass.
9. Promise to never mention Starcraft: Ghost ever again.
It’ll be like it never happened.
10. Quit drinking.
10. Quit drinking on weekdays.
10. Quit drinking on weekdays before noon.
10. Quit drinking on weekdays before noon, alone.
From now on, weekday morning binges will include the first homeless guy I see on my way home from the liquor store.
11. Promise not to make a Use Map Settings game in which the Terran “Viking” is a Decepticon.
A flyer that “transforms” into a bipedal mech? It’s more than meets the eye!
12. Take your mother out for a nice Italian dinner.
Anything more than that, and I’ll need in to Diablo III beta as well. We’ll talk.
13. Eat a pie.
But I won’t admit that pie is better than cake, because that simply isn’t true.
14. Divide by zero.
I’m prepared to face the consequences.
15. Tattoo a SC2 logo onto my upper arm.
Hey, Peter Moore did it, and he turned out alright.
16. Fight Chuck Norris.
This item has been removed by Chuck Norris.
17. Play World of Warcraft again.
You’ve hooked me, my friends, my family – hell, even my girlfriend is playing WoW these days. I’ll re-subscribe, and help refill the ink on your money-printer.
18. Give you five dollars.
That’s five more dollars than you’d have if you said “no”. Think about that.
19. Explain to you the plot of LOST.
Hint: It has to do with – POST EDITED BY DHARMA INITIATIVE.
20. Halt Global Warming.
Or if you’d prefer, I could instead advance Global Warming. I don’t know about you, but I think Waterworld was pretty badass.
So there you have it Blizzard – 20 things I’d happily do if you were to provide me with a Starcraft 2 Beta key. If you think of something that isn’t included in the list, get in touch with my people and we’ll work something out. I’m negotiable.